As New Paul watered, feeling like the weight of the sky had touched down on his shoulders, pressing him flat, the old Paul spoke up with a complaint: She would not have approved.
Meaning Teresa. In these last intervening years, Old Paul had proven himself to be somewhat tenacious. He'd been replaced, yet still he rattled around on the fringes, like a party guest who had yet to leave, even after the hints had been made, after the others had gone, after the lights had been put out.
She would not have approved.
New Paul tolerated these outbursts for the most part. He at least acknowledged that a lifelong personality was a tough habit to break.
"I thought you'd be happy," said New Paul. "I recall you wanting this... It feels like I'm dying." And it did. Each time Paul made another sweep with the hose it felt as if he were borrowing against reserves of strength that he didn't have. And the new Paul wasn't as keen on death as his old self had been. New Paul wasn't so naïve as to think that dying actually solved anything. Why should death be so generous as to offer relief? Death didn't owe anyone anything.
Although tonight, Paul could rest. There would be no need to prepare dinner for his good, dear friend, the twilight visitor. Tonight Paul would recover, at ease in his home, with the flies and dust. He'd take a nap, he'd feel better.
When the girls were younger..., insisted Old Paul.
"I'm becoming bored," said New.
When the girls were younger Paul used to cook for them during the summer, nearly every night. He had bought a barbecue, which he still had. Paul cooked average foods with mediocre results, hamburgers and hot dogs, the kind of food you felt comfortable with, that reminded you of childhoods and easy afternoons spent outdoors. But when the girls got older they didn't want to eat outdoors so much. They wanted little to do with barbecues. Salads, they said. Of all things, they wanted salads. And then when they had boyfriends (one of which, in all truthfulness, worked at the crouton factory) they wanted little to do with their mother and father as well. They had their own lives then. They had moved on. Adulthood had taken them from him, his two little girls. Later they'd be taken again, forever this time, prey to a careless driver, traveling at irresponsible speed. It was Teresa who took this the hardest. But it was Paul who began to change.
New Paul stopped paying attention. The old Paul had become increasingly sentimental recently. All those stories that had nothing to do with anything anymore, he'd been digging them all up. Maybe he sensed what new Paul sensed -- the looming end. Or maybe he felt a final inventory was in order, one last tally. Or, most likely, he was searching out Paul's sympathies, making a rather pathetic, final attempt to remind Paul of his former compassion and humanity.
But ha ha to all that. There was no sympathy, compassion, or humanity left. That was the point of New Paul. That was what had made the years tolerable...
And then it occurred to New Paul that if nothing mattered, in the grand scheme, then why was he bothering with the lawn? Especially since this was nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that shouldn't be on display for others to marvel at. In fact, he was rather pleased with the whole mess. So, why bother?
Old habits, he sighed. He dropped the hose, and left it where it lay.
Tomorrow his strength would be back. And he'd need it, because tomorrow there would be dinner...although he still wasn't sure how he could match last night's meal--
She would not have approved, whined the old self. If only she knew...
Paul limped back to the waiting shade of his home, following the trail of blood that squirmed across the patio. It was true, Teresa would not have approved. Nobody would have.
But Paul, he was no longer one to care.
***